On Creating Chemistry : A letter to my single friends

In Thoughts by Sara Ann KLeave a Comment

So today I read this great article which is something that really struck a chord and I hope that it will benefit females out there. It is a problem that I encountered too, many a time in life: Chemistry.

I think way too many girls and guys alike give “chemistry” too much importance in a relationship. When truth be told, the initial “spark” is such a small component of a full, fulfilling relationship.

I have had relationships where the chemistry was practically combustible. But, in hindsight, was probably fueled on hormones. And occasionally, alcohol.

It was only when I met V that I realised, all my previous beliefs on chemistry AND love, were complete bull.

You see, I always thought that I could only love someone if chemistry was already there. And I equated chemistry to that heady rush. You know. When your heart beats faster. When you see the guy and you’re just swooning. Where when you’re not with the guy, it feels like something is actually ripped apart from you. Rollar coaster love. The kind that can give you the highest of highs or the lowest of lows. In other words – whatever Hollywood has led us to believe love to be.

Fact is though, V has been the first, most successful relationship that I’ve had in my life. And I was as surprised as most of my friends are at how long it’s lasted, and how far it’s gone, because you see… when I first met there guy, there was ZERO chemistry. I mean ZIP. NADA. ZILCH.


All “chemistry” really is.

In fact when I met him, he was on a date with a girl. I was hanging out with a guy I once dated briefly, and a bunch of male friends. And I kinda looked at V and thought, “Douche. Yeah. I’d tap that. Then never admit to ever touching it.. Because…. Douche.”

When I realized my male friends knew him, he went up the food chain by a smidge. To just… , “Douche. Maybe I’d respect that enough nod in recognition when I next see him. But, douche.”

To be fair – V was not attracted to me either. In fact. He introduced me to a single male friend of his the night we met. With whom I actually went on several dates with. And I was more attracted to. Because this guy and I had what I deem to be chemistry. Hanging out with him was fun. It was exciting. Getting ready for the dates made my heart skip a beat.

When I first met V after our first “meetcute” (script writing language for the romantic protaganists meet in a story) – We watched a movie with close to zero physical contact. He did attempt a kiss, but I was so unimpressed, and there was such a lack of spark that I would describe it more like trying to light wet matches.

But even though I had friendzoned him, we continued chatting on WhatsApp.

Maybe it was the lack of pressure and expectation. Maybe it was how much more we were ourselves because neither of us felt the need to impress the other.. but after slightly over a month we started realizing more and more, how similar we were. Alarmingly so at times. By this time I had totally bro-zoned him.

Add that to the fact that my godbrother and V apparently had been fellow party wingman-wolf-pack-girl-hunting friends for a while, and warned me against dating him, V was pretty much labelled radioactive!

So to my friends over in the friend zone or brozone corner – don’t lose hope that you’re always the bro who never gets the ho.


It took me a while to get there. But once I agreed to give things a shot, my mind started to fall for him. Then everything else followed suit. And the rest as they say, is history.




When I was single, I realized that I hated people saying I was picky or fussy. Honestly. I was not.

But what do I know. I’ve probably only dated a hundred guys* or so before meeting V. So… I could be wrong.

*Hundred guys or so is a rough, and rather conservative estimate. Which probably falls way below the actual number. I have taken love very seriously for most of my life. And being the hopeless romantic, have looked for love everywhere with the intensity of a female on the hunt for the perfect pair of jeans. Relentless in pursuit of perceived perfection.

One year in particular, I recall going out on at least 2 dates a week. Yes. With different men. And that was just ONE year. ANd I’ve dated since I was about 13. Now I’m 2 zodiac cycles older. You do the math. So yes – there ARE that many fish in the sea. Just that you probably are either dismissing them on sight. Swiping left. Or just holed up at work or home watching k-dramas or playing video games and aren’t taking dating seriously. But like I said.. what do I know.. right? I’ve only tried all my life, and landed up lucking out more than 20 years later.

All along I was looking for this “chemistry” thing. Something that I thought you either felt. Or not.

I expected fireworks. My uterus to start aching like a homing device in his presence. To go weak at the knees whenever our eyes met. For some kind of soundtrack to cue in my head when I laid eyes on him, as he is beatified and bathed in a halo of light. (Ok, so I’m exaggerating a little.)

How the heck did I become that dumb?

But alas… it happens to the best of us.

At least now, I realise in hindsight.. chemistry. Can be created.

Pickiness, I’ve come to observe, is when you think a guy is undateable because he doesn’t fit a specific body type. Because he doesn’t look a certain way. Because he snores. Because he exercises too much. Because he exercises too little. Because his hair is not cool. Because he has a beard. Because he doesn’t come from a certain job. Because on Tindr, he was wearing sunglasses. Because he looks like he could be crosseyed. Because you’re silently judging him for his choice of crocs as footwear. (Please, we all do any way.) But that my dear friends… That is being fussy.

When you are nitpicking. Looking for a perfect Ken or Barbie, exactly the way you want it. When you confuse the “nice to haves” with the “must haves”.

Have you ever met someone you thought was absolutely perfect?

Now, think….  is the person you are putting on a pedestal in your mind only looking that good because of the fuzzy lens of the past? Or maybe, his or her flaws can’t be seen with the rose-tinted lenses of regret – under the “IF ONLY” or “WHAT IF” glasses. Or, worst of all – the “wouldashouldcoulda” coloured contact lenses. The people whom you’ve never dated. But, when they have moved on, you suddenly wonder what you would have had, what should have happened, what could have been?

Any of these sound familiar?

And really. If you are one of the girls who constantly asks – where have all the good guys gone? Then let me tell you this. THEY ARE THERE. Often times they are standing right there begging for your attention. But you are too busy finding every single excuse/fault to not give them a chance. Same goes for you boys. The best girl for you might not be the long haired, doe-eyed beauty with big boobs. (Or whatever strange superficial attributes you think your future partner should possess.)

No one is perfect.. And if you can’t compromise on the small stuff. Then let me tell you, you can jolly well hold out for someone who ticks all your boxes. Even if it does come, life tends to be fair. Those who check out on all the weird things you want on paper, usually aren’t the nicest of people.

Boys and girls, I urge you, this new year, to get out there. Look out. And most of all, look for the heart. Look for real quality. Instead of just going for something shiny – cos that could just be cheap trash glinting in the sun.

Look instead for the diamonds in the rough.

To illustrate my point… look at this..

raw diamond

Just like a lump of worthless ice right? Nope. That’s the world’s first 507 carat that was found in South Africa. Yes. FIVE HUNDRED AND FRIGGING SEVEN WHOPPING CARAT RAW DIAMOND.


Can you imagine what it’s worth once it’s been cleaned up. Polished up. By the right person who found it. Saw it’s potential. And spent time bringing out the best in what was already there?




So here, I give you an article which I think is useful. Don’t write that geeky guy who seemed so boring during your CNY gathering off just yet. He may just be the person you’ve been waiting for.

If you don’t find this useful. Look at this video. Have you ever seen what looking for diamonds looks like? It’s backbreaking. Tough. And you look through tons of rocks and stones, many of which will cut and callus your hands.

If you don’t go out there and make an effort to make new friends. Meet new people. Give people a chance. (And by that, I don’t mind falling into bed with each and every one of them.) Well… maybe you’re not ready for a real relationship just yet.

And now.. I bring you.. Good advice.



How To CREATE Chemistry With A Nice Guy

~ By Kimberly Seltzer~

I hear clients tell me all of the time that guys often fall into one of two categories:

Ones that they are physically attracted to, but flawed, or ones that are just nice guys without chemistry.

One client repeatedly wrestled with this issue.

This conundrum commonly led to relationships with struggling musicians and artist types that ended up with her financially supporting them. This was not what she wanted for a long-term relationship. She left each of those situations feeling used and unappreciated. Then she met a nice guy who had everything that she wanted in a man: stability, loyalty, and funny. But she was not physically attracted to him. She didnt want to be shallow but couldnt imagine spending the rest of her life with someone with whom she was not physically attracted to. Does she pass on her dream man because shes not physically attracted to him initially?

This is a common challenge I hear many women face. And then I hear my male clients complain that women only like bad boys. The truth is many people claim to not have chemistry with single people they meet. But I do believe there are some things you can do create chemistry with nice men!

Define Chemistry for Yourself

What does chemistry really mean to you? People use this word all of the time to describe a feeling they get when attracted to someone. But chemistry can change and is comprised of different components. When you analyze it, it is easier to discern who is right for you rather than dismissing someone you didnt get the butterflies with on the first date. I show my clients how to create attraction and chemistry by breaking down what attraction means for you into its four elements: physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. Define each area and then put a percentage on each as to how important it is for you. Then after you go out on a date, complete the chart and see where they fall on your chemistry chart. Overtime, it often changes. Overall, the more evenly distributed the percentages are, the longer a relationship lasts.

Break Your Patterns And Push The Boundaries

Perhaps you feel like that spark either happens or it doesnt, and when it doesnt you give up and move on. But by doing that, you might be missing out on a great partner! Conversely, you meet a man for the first time and it feels magical. You are hypnotized with the intoxicating chemical reaction that draws you to him. He tells you how beautiful and sexy you are and that he cant wait to see you again. Then out of nowhere he disappears. So you have to ask yourself, how have your dating decisions worked for you? If you are finding yourself confused, then try breaking your own pattern and stop dating in black and white. There is a lot of grey with dating so give the nice guys second chances and see if your chemistry chart changes!

Flirt With Everyone

Are you feeling like all first dates are boring? What if you had more control over the situation, and actually created amazing dates filled with chemistry and desire? Many women complain that conversations can get boring on a date or when meeting a man for the first time. There are things you can do to change that by simply looking at how you are communicating. If you want to keep the communication flow going between you, pause and evaluate what you are offering and doing. Avoid the drab interview-like dates and put more life into your interactions simply by changing your perception and actions during the first encounter. Many women only turn it on when they are interested in or attracted to a man. The problem with being target-specific is that you are closing yourself off to many other opportunities. The essence of flirting is expressing your interest in someone without committing yourself too seriously. In a nutshell, flirting is supposed to be fun and playful! Think of going on a date with yourself. Would you want to date you? If you turn it up, sometimes the boring nice guys will turn it up when they feel that energy.

So the next time you are on a date, go in with the idea of having fun and breaking your old pattern. You may even start seeing how sexy nice guys can be!

Kimberly Seltzer is a Makeover & Confidence Expert, Therapist and Dating Coach based in Los Angeles. She utilizes the unique combined use of therapy, in-field date coaching, NLP and styling to help people with their confidence and dating life. Kimberly helps men and women update and discover their personalized image through wardrobe consultation and assistance in purchasing clothes that fit each body type and lifestyle. For more information about Kimberly CLICK HERE!



Leave a Comment